To be a woman is hard even in a society that supports you; to be a parent is also challenge even with a partner by your side. So, what’s it like to be a mom without the backing of society or a partner? Here’s the truth of it and the tips you can consider to make life easier.
As the old saying goes, “it takes a village to raise a child.” But, what if that said village is only just there to judge and criticize you while you go about child-rearing on your own?
I know the feeling.
I live in the Philippines. The heart of Southeast Asia has always been my home—a fascinating country known for its fusion-rich culture, deep-rooted traditions, and strong religious values. At the core of these values is a staunch belief in family unity—a concept that often leaves single mothers navigating a complex web of social expectations. For many single moms, places like the Philippines can feel like a challenging landscape where the weight of cultural norms casts a long, cruel, and grueling shadow over their daily lives.
In societies like that of the Filipinos, motherhood tends to be deeply revered. However, it often comes with the expectation of a complete, traditional family. Being a single parent, especially one raising a child without a father figure, can be seen as a deviation from this ideal. In conservative communities, these mothers may face subtle—and sometimes not so subtle—judgment, ostracism, or outright rejection.
Family gatherings, social events, and religious ceremonies can become uncomfortable and painful experiences where whispers circulate and curious glances follow. While single moms juggle the immense task of parenting, many also find themselves battling the stigma attached to their circumstances. This social isolation can lead to feelings of loneliness, especially when friends, family members or colleagues distance themselves, often unintentionally, from the single mother.
The Philippines is predominantly Catholic, and religion plays a significant role in shaping societal values. This is the same in other areas as well. Traditional views on marriage, family, and gender roles are deeply ingrained in conservative cultures. As a result, single moms often feel pressured to explain their situation or justify their life choices. For some, the mere label of “single mom” is enough to prompt judgment, as it conflicts with long-held expectations of how a family should be structured.
Religious teachings emphasize the sanctity of marriage and often promote the idea that a child should be raised by both a mother and a father. This can make single mothers feel like they’ve failed in fulfilling their role as women in society. Although religious institutions tend to preach forgiveness and understanding, many single moms still find themselves marginalized by their holier-than-thou communities.
Finding placement for stable corporate jobs can also be nearly impossible—even with a fantastic resume. Beyond the social and religious realms, single moms often encounter discrimination in the workplace. Employers may view single mothers as less committed or dependable, assuming that their responsibilities as parents—that which they tend to tackle alone—will regularly interfere with their work performance. Some single moms report being passed over for promotions or career advancement opportunities because of these biased assumptions. Suddenly all those years of impeccable work experience get seen as nothing.
The lack of available support structures, such as safe, reliable, and affordable childcare and flexible work arrangements, further compounds the struggles of single mothers trying to provide for their families. While more progressive companies are starting to offer benefits to support single-parent households, the road to widespread acceptance and understanding remains long. Many of these benefits are only present on paper but not in real-life execution.
Despite these challenges, however, single moms are not totally without support even in highly conservative locations. In recent years, social media has provided platforms for them to connect, share their experiences, and create communities of understanding. Online support groups have become safe virtual spaces where women can find advice, encouragement, and solidarity from others who understand their struggles. Smaller groups have sprouted and spread by word of mouth hoping to reach the right ears. As more people become aware of the diverse forms that families can take, single moms are beginning to challenge outdated stereotypes. Many are speaking out about their experiences, demanding more support from both the government and society, and advocating for greater inclusivity.
Raising a family alone (in this world where children may need a village to thrive) can be overwhelming, but with the right strategies broken down into stepping stones, single moms can rise up to the task of motherhood.
These are some of the few I’ve picked up along the way.
- Find Your Support System: Accept the strong possibility that those who used to love you, no longer love you because of this situation. We cannot control them; we can only control ourselves. Choose to surround yourself with people who accept you unconditionally. This can be family members, close friends, or even online communities who share similar experiences. These people can be your chosen family. Queer people are familiar with this concept given that—like single moms—many of them have been ostracized by the families they were born into. A lot of them managed to thrive through the support of their chosen people; single moms can do so as well.
- Seek Emotional Help: To maintain fortitude, hold on to the theoretical “Law of 3s” and choose to see every rejection as a redirection. The “Law of 3” dictates that a third of the time things will go well, a third of the time things will go badly, and a third of the time things will be gray. Allow yourself to go through these phases with self-forgiveness, self-love, and grace. Not everything is your fault. Stay focused on pushing through and finding the inner strength to keep moving forward. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist. Should further discretion feel safer, pastoral care is often donation-based and would be a good start. Emotional support is crucial when dealing with societal pressure, and it’s okay to ask for help when needed.
- Prioritize Your Child: Focus on building a strong bond with your child. As you face external challenges, remember that your relationship with your child is the most important. Your child’s love and respect can be your ultimate source of strength.
- Financial Independence: Manage your finances carefully. Having a stable financial plan can help you feel more secure and it can lessen the stress of being a sole provider. First, work towards having a stable and predictable income source. Then, progress to investments later on. Look for opportunities to build financial independence. Consider starting a small business or finding multiple streams of income that offer stability and growth for your family.
- Set Boundaries: Don’t let negative opinions from others affect your sense self-worth. Set emotional boundaries to protect yourself from judgment and criticism. Remember that this scenario has been going on many generations before you and that the possibility of this turning into a success story is still there as proven by many of those who have dealt with it in the past.
- Reach Out to Single-Mother Resources: There are various non-government agencies and community groups that provide legal, emotional, and financial aid to single mothers. It will take time to piece them together but a good starting point will be your local government office. Take advantage of these resources to support your journey. Do not be too proud or ashamed to avail of the services made possible by your tax contributions.
- Embrace Your Identity: Being a single mom doesn’t define your worth—embrace your identity as an independent woman. Celebrate your successes and take pride in the strength it takes to raise a child on your own. Focus on what’s good about your life.
- Invest in Self-Care: Take time for yourself. It isn’t selfish, it is about bringing out the best version of yourself as the sole compass for the family. Self-care is crucial for long-term well-being and it can help you feel rejuvenated and more capable of taking on your responsibilities as a parent. Follow Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs which breaks down and ranks what to focus on.
- Continue Your Education or Career Growth: Don’t put your personal growth on hold. Whether it’s pursuing further education or advancing in your career, invest in yourself. Many companies now offer flexible working conditions and scholarships aimed at helping single parents. Free online courses and upskilling certifications are still available. Take advantage of all of these to further yourself.
- Be an Advocate for Other Single Moms: If you have the time, share your journey and experiences with other single moms. It won’t always come easy to talk about this but by becoming an advocate, you can help break the stigma surrounding single motherhood and help in ushering in a more inclusive society.
- Build a Positive Environment for Your Family: Create a home filled with love, positivity, and encouragement. Children thrive when they feel supported, and your resilience will inspire them to overcome challenges in their own lives. Celebrate every milestone, tradition, and achievement, just like how you would have wanted to be celebrated when you were a child. Be the parent that you never had and break the negative cycle.
I am far from reaching my happily-ever-after ending. I am, at most times, so much in the thick of this journey that I wonder if I will ever reach that beautiful storyline. Being a single mom in a world where I am taboo is undoubtedly challenging but, in it, I find strength.
I see it in all these women taking on parenting on their own; in the way they are rewriting the narrative of motherhood—showing that a family’s worth is not defined by the number of parents in it but by the love, resilience, and dedication they have.
These days, I may be a single mother; but I am not alone—even as the so-called “village” tries to make me feel that way.
